What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:31
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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He knew the spot.
All the time i was locked up.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Ive learnt so much.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do a bra and panties have to match?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
My son is possessed, now he has psychosis. Can someone help me?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I couldn’t, believe it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
This is soul school!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
We were not on the streets..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was very sick at this time too.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was seconnd youngest,
When she asked me how she looked .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot live in the past .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I said to her
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My life is so biszare .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was scared of men, in general
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I could never make a relationship work though!
So, i spoilt her more .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!